Tiffany Watt Smith’s Bad Friend offers an exhilarating, deeply researched exploration of women’s friendships across centuries, dismantling the glossy depictions we’ve come to accept as ideal. Part cultural history, part memoir, this remarkable book ventures into territory often left unexamined: the messy, complicated, and sometimes fraught relationships between women that don’t adhere to the sparkly “BFF” narratives we’re sold.
Smith, a cultural historian whose previous works include The Book of Human Emotions and Schadenfreude: The Joy of Another’s Misfortune, brings her characteristic blend of scholarly precision and personal vulnerability to this subject. What sets Bad Friend apart from other examinations of female friendship is Smith’s willingness to explore her own failures and struggles, creating an honest framework that gives readers permission to reconsider their own relationships.
A Personal Journey Through Friendship’s Complex Terrain
The book opens with Smith’s reflections on a significant friendship breakup with a woman she calls Sofia—a relationship that was once intense and defining but gradually dissolved. This frames the historical and sociological exploration that follows, giving readers an emotional anchor for understanding the broader patterns Smith uncovers.
Through three chronologically arranged sections—”Entanglements,” “Separations,” and “Pacts”—Smith traces how female friendships have been portrayed, policed, and practiced from the early 1900s through today. Each chapter examines a different “bad friend” archetype that challenges societal expectations:
- The girl with an intense crush on another girl
- The rebellious friend who leads others astray
- The outsider who doesn’t fit in
- The commitment-phobe afraid of deep connections
- The member of the “mum clique”
- The feminist “traitor” who abandons the collective
- The meddler who oversteps boundaries
- The coven member choosing to age with friends instead of family
- The ghost who disappears from a friendship
Historical Depth and Cultural Breadth
What surprised me most about Bad Friend by Tiffany Watt Smith is its remarkable historical reach. Smith’s research extends far beyond modern conceptions of friendship, diving into Medieval Paris to explore communities of single women living together, examining Beguines (lay religious women who created independent communities in the Low Countries in the 12th century), and tracing how authority figures repeatedly attempted to control and police women’s relationships.
She uncovers fascinating figures like Madeleine Doty, who went undercover in Auburn Correctional Facility in 1913 to report on prison conditions, forming a complex friendship with a prisoner named Minerva Jones. Smith’s nuanced telling of their story—along with her careful analysis of its ethical complications—exemplifies the book’s thoughtful approach.
The geographical scope is equally impressive. While centered primarily on Western experiences, Smith weaves in examples from communities across continents:
- The belayDo friendships of the Aku people in Cameroon
- Japanese schoolgirl friendships celebrated in early 20th-century literature
- Russian cultural concepts distinguishing between different levels of friendship
- Chinese laotong relationships between girls contracted before birth
Myth-Busting and Reframing
Smith expertly dismantles numerous myths about female friendship throughout the book:
- The myth of the historic male-only friendship: While Aristotle, Cicero, and Montaigne may have claimed friendship as a masculine virtue, Smith uncovers rich traditions of female friendship dating back centuries.
- The myth of the eternally supportive BFF: By examining real-world experiences of conflict, jealousy, and misunderstanding in friendships, Smith gives readers permission to acknowledge the complexities in their own relationships.
- The myth of the naturally nurturing female friend: Smith shows how caregiving between female friends has been both expected and policed across time.
- The myth of the toxic friend: The current cultural fixation on “cutting out toxic people” oversimplifies the rich, complex nature of genuine friendship, which inherently involves imperfection and vulnerability.
Strengths and Limitations
The greatest strength of Bad Friend lies in Tiffany Watt Smith’s seamless blending of historical research, cultural analysis, and personal narrative. She moves gracefully between discussing Renaissance memorials and reflecting on her own failed friendships, creating a work that feels both scholarly and intimate.
Smith also excels at finding the universal in the specific. When exploring the all-female retirement communities forming today, she interviews residents like “Joy,” who describes her initial nervousness about meeting new people: “I was literally sitting there thinking, ‘I’m getting off this train. I’m getting off now!'” This dialogue brings theoretical discussions about chosen families and alternative living arrangements into vivid, relatable focus.
If the book has limitations, they stem from its admittedly Western-centric focus. Though Smith works to incorporate global perspectives, the majority of her examples come from European and American contexts. Additionally, while Smith acknowledges class and racial differences in friendship experiences, these analyses sometimes feel secondary to her primary explorations of gender.
Contemporary Relevance
What makes Bad Friend by Tiffany Watt Smith particularly timely is its recognition of how friendship is evolving in our current moment:
- The rise of AI companions like Replika raising questions about what constitutes a “real” friendship
- The pandemic’s impact on how we view and value social connections
- The increasing importance of friend networks as traditional family structures evolve
- The loneliness epidemic and its potential solutions through friendship
A Groundbreaking Contribution to Friendship Studies
While other books have explored female friendship—notably Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman’s Big Friendship or Kayleen Schaefer’s Text Me When You Get Home—Smith’s work stands out for its historical depth and intellectual rigor. Rather than simply celebrating female friendship, Smith examines its cultural contexts, contradictions, and complexities.
The book’s ambition recalls works like Rebecca Traister’s All the Single Ladies or Sheila Heti’s Motherhood in its willingness to question accepted narratives about women’s lives and relationships. Smith’s approach is refreshingly nuanced, avoiding easy answers or prescriptive advice.
Final Assessment: A Profound Examination of Friendship’s Realities
Bad Friend by Tiffany Watt Smith accomplishes something rare: it makes us reconsider a fundamental part of human experience we might have taken for granted. Smith’s insights invite readers to reflect on their own friendship histories—the crushes that shaped their identities, the friends who drifted away, the care they’ve given and received.
In the end, Smith offers a liberating perspective: “I am not trying to be a perfect friend. There really is no such thing.” This acknowledgment feels revolutionary in a culture that increasingly frames friendship as another area for optimization and performance.
The book’s conclusion resonates deeply: “There will be times in a friendship where you struggle to make sense of how the other has changed. Or wonder if you have misjudged, and expected too much or given too little…Sometimes you will speak reverentially of the ecstasies and wonders of friendship. And sometimes you will speak of your frustrations and petty irritations. Mostly you will keep wondering how you can help each other. And that is more than good enough.”
For anyone who has ever felt they’ve failed at friendship—which is to say, nearly everyone—Bad Friend offers not just historical insight but emotional reassurance. It’s a profound gift to readers seeking to understand the rich, imperfect connections that shape our lives.