Monday, November 4, 2024

Zero Stars, Do Not Recommend by M.J. Wassmer

When the sun goes out, the real fun begins!

"Zero Stars, Do Not Recommend" is a promising debut from M.J. Wassmer. It's the kind of book that'll stick with you long after you've turned the last page, making you question your own values and how you might behave in a crisis. But more importantly, it'll make you laugh. A lot.

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When the Sun Goes Out, the Shenanigans Light Up

Ever had one of those vacations where everything just goes spectacularly wrong? You know, the kind where you’re like, “Well, at least the sun is shining”? Yeah, about that…

M.J. Wassmer’s debut novel, “Zero Stars, Do Not Recommend,” takes that whole vacation-gone-wrong trope and cranks it up to eleven. Or should I say, down to zero? Because that’s exactly what happens when the sun decides to call it quits right in the middle of what was supposed to be a relaxing getaway. Talk about a mood killer.

Welcome to Paradise… Until It’s Not

Our protagonist, Dan Foster, is your average Joe. Well, below average if we’re being honest (and he certainly is). He’s the kind of guy who’s coasting through life on a wave of mediocrity, armed with a closet full of regrets and a pocket full of unfulfilled potential. But hey, at least he’s got a girlfriend who’s way out of his league, right?

Dan and said girlfriend, Mara, decide to treat themselves to a luxurious vacation at the Tizoc Grand Islands Resort and Spa. It’s all fun and games, cocktails and lazy rivers, until poof—the sun goes kaput. And just like that, paradise becomes a playground for the worst aspects of human nature.

Class Warfare: Bahamas Edition

Wassmer doesn’t waste any time diving into the meat of the story. As soon as the lights go out (quite literally), the resort becomes a microcosm of society, complete with all its ugly hierarchies and power struggles. The elite guests from Building A, led by the insufferably perky Lilyanna Collins (think MLM boss babe meets dictator), quickly seize control of the island’s resources.

Meanwhile, our man Dan finds himself caught in the middle of an impromptu revolution. It’s like “Lord of the Flies” meets “The White Lotus,” with a dash of “Survivor” thrown in for good measure. And let me tell you, it’s a wild ride.

From Zero to… Well, Maybe Like a Three?

What makes this book truly shine (pun absolutely intended) is Wassmer’s ability to balance the absurdity of the situation with genuine character development. Dan’s journey from a self-proclaimed “useless piece of shit” to an unlikely hero is both hilarious and oddly touching.

It’s not often you find yourself rooting for a protagonist who describes himself as “dumb and lazy,” but here we are. Dan’s self-deprecating humor and painfully relatable insecurities make him an endearing mess of a human being. You can’t help but cheer him on as he fumbles his way through one ridiculous situation after another.

A Cast of Characters You’ll Love to Hate (and Hate to Love)

Wassmer populates his fictional island with a colorful cast of characters that bring the story to life:

  • Mara: Dan’s better half in every sense of the word. She’s smart, compassionate, and probably wondering why she’s dating Dan. (Aren’t we all, Mara?)
  • Lilyanna Collins: The villain you’ll love to hate. Picture a CrossFit instructor with delusions of grandeur and a penchant for cult-like leadership.
  • Rico Flores: The head of security with a chip on his shoulder and dreams of Hollywood stuntman glory. He’s like a human embodiment of toxic masculinity, but with surprising depth.
  • Alan and Charles: The sweet couple that restores your faith in humanity… until they don’t.
  • Lenny and Gloria Fava: The Jersey deli owners with hearts of gold and mouths like sailors.

Each character feels fully realized, with their own quirks, motivations, and arcs that intertwine in unexpected ways. It’s like watching a train wreck in slow motion, but you can’t look away because the passengers are just so darn interesting.

Humor in the Face of Oblivion

Let’s talk about the humor, because boy, does this book have it in spades. Wassmer’s writing style is sharp, witty, and unafraid to go for the jugular. The dialogue crackles with energy, peppered with one-liners that’ll have you snorting your beverage of choice.

But what’s truly impressive is how Wassmer manages to find humor in even the darkest moments. It’s a delicate balance, using comedy to address serious themes like class inequality, human nature, and existential dread. But somehow, it works. You’ll find yourself laughing one moment and contemplating the fragility of society the next.

Some Standout Moments:

  • Dan’s internal monologues, which are a perfect blend of self-loathing and observational humor
  • The increasingly ridiculous “Pitch-In” assignments handed out by Building A
  • Any scene involving Lenny Fava’s attempts at strategic planning
  • The absurd lengths people go to maintain a sense of normalcy (like holding a wedding) in the face of impending doom

More Than Just Laughs

Don’t let the humor fool you, though. “Zero Stars, Do Not Recommend” has some serious things to say about human nature, social structures, and how we behave when the chips are down (or in this case, when the sun goes out).

Wassmer explores themes of:

  • Class divide and how quickly society can devolve into “us vs. them” mentality
  • The corrupting influence of power
  • The role of community in times of crisis
  • Self-worth and the pressure to live up to our potential
  • The ethical dilemmas we face when survival is on the line

It’s like holding up a funhouse mirror to our own society – the reflection might be distorted, but there’s an uncomfortable truth hiding beneath the surface.

A Few Bumps in the Road (or Waves in the Ocean?)

No vacation is perfect, and no book is either. While “Zero Stars, Do Not Recommend” is a strong debut, there are a few areas where it could have been tightened up:

  • The pacing in the middle section occasionally drags, with a few too many back-and-forth power struggles
  • Some of the secondary characters, particularly in Building C, could have used more development
  • The “big twist” regarding the nature of the island might be a bit too out there for some readers (but hey, we’re already dealing with an exploding sun, so why not go all in?)

These are minor quibbles, though, in what is otherwise a thoroughly enjoyable read.

The Verdict: Five Stars, Highly Recommend

Despite its title, “Zero Stars, Do Not Recommend” is anything but a vacation disaster. M.J. Wassmer has crafted a debut novel that’s equal parts hilarious, thought-provoking, and surprisingly heartfelt.

It’s the kind of book that’ll make you laugh out loud on one page and then pause to contemplate the nature of humanity on the next. And isn’t that what we all want from our post-apocalyptic beach reads?

So grab your sunscreen (or maybe your thermal underwear), pack your sense of humor, and get ready for a wild ride. Just don’t blame me if you start eyeing your fellow vacationers suspiciously the next time you’re at a resort. After all, you never know when the sun might decide to clock out early.

Who Should Read This Book:

  • Fans of satirical fiction with a sci-fi twist
  • Anyone who’s ever had a vacation go horribly wrong (so… everyone?)
  • Readers who enjoy dark humor and social commentary
  • People who like their apocalypses with a side of snark

Who Should Maybe Skip It:

  • Those looking for a serious, hard sci-fi take on the end of the world
  • Readers who prefer their humor gentle and inoffensive
  • Anyone currently on a tropical vacation (maybe save it for when you get home)

Final Thoughts

“Zero Stars, Do Not Recommend” is a promising debut from M.J. Wassmer. It’s the kind of book that’ll stick with you long after you’ve turned the last page, making you question your own values and how you might behave in a crisis. But more importantly, it’ll make you laugh. A lot.

In a world that often feels like it’s teetering on the brink of disaster, sometimes all we can do is find the humor in the absurdity of it all. And that’s exactly what Wassmer has done here. It’s a reminder that even in our darkest moments, there’s always room for a good laugh – and maybe, just maybe, a little bit of hope.

So go ahead, book your ticket to Tizoc Grand Islands Resort and Spa. Just make sure you pack a flashlight… and maybe brush up on your survival skills. You never know when you might need them.

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"Zero Stars, Do Not Recommend" is a promising debut from M.J. Wassmer. It's the kind of book that'll stick with you long after you've turned the last page, making you question your own values and how you might behave in a crisis. But more importantly, it'll make you laugh. A lot.Zero Stars, Do Not Recommend by M.J. Wassmer